


The Keito Competition (A.K.A. The RidicFic)

by thanku4urlove



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Crossdressing, Explicit Language, Explosions, Falling Out Of The Ceiling, Getting Together, Guns, Iambic Pentameter, Kidnapping, Knee-Touching, M/M, Mistaken Identity, Oblivious Keito, Originally Posted on LiveJournal, Sexual innuendos, Tear-Away Pants, Tree-climbing Bunnies, one (1) bad scrap teacher reference, one (1) dramatic gokusen reference, one (1) vague stephen king reference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-10-29 10:54:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20795483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thanku4urlove/pseuds/thanku4urlove
Summary: In which Takaki is overconfident in his sex appeal, Yabu can do anything in heels, and Keito is confused.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So. I don't even know how to begin apologizing for this fic. Years ago my sister said that it was impossible for a fic to be TOO ridiculous, and I was young, dumb, and didn't know how to say no to a challenge. We had a bet to see if I could write something that she would deem Too Much. Well, I won that bet, and this fic was the result. This was written back when I was still putting Ryutaro in every hsj fic (spoiler alert, i continue to do so until 2016) and before we all learned just how pretty hikaru is in a wig, so I apologize for the inconsistencies there. But yeah. This thing is a travesty. Enjoy.

"Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but you're still not doing that to my face."

Daiki blinked a few times, quite surprised by the sudden profanity and out-of-context sentence, sharing a concerned look with Yamada as they entered JUMP's practice room. Yuto was already there, lost in the music blasting through his ear buds as usual. The only other person in the room was Chinen, and he was on the phone with somebody.

"I just... I just can’t promise that there won’t be a reason to hit you in the head with a dildo again in the future."

"Ryutaro." Yamada mouthed to Daiki, his face brightening with realization. "That's who he's talking to."

Daiki nodded. Yamada was right. "So, we're not asking any questions then?"

Yamada nodded back. "No questions."

Chinen then sighed and hung up, turning to the two of them with a bright smile. "Good morning!"

Daiki was taken aback by the complete attitude turnaround, but Yamada smiled back, seemingly used to it. Daiki supposed he would be. Apparently, Ryutaro was a usual topic of conversation during the toenail painting segment of most Hey! Say! 7 parties.

Keito had gotten quite good at nail art.

"What were you two talking about?" Daiki asked, getting a harsh elbow jab in the gut, courtesy of the lovely Yamada Ryosuke, and he knew why. They had made a 'no questions' pact, but Daiki felt like he could make the frown on Chinen's face go away if they talked about the argument a little. More often than not, Ryutaro and Chinen were fighting over something that was just petty, and the solution was usually either a small ranting session or a small make out session. Unfortunately because of rehearsal today, the second option couldn't be arranged.

Instead of arguing his side however, Chinen just shrugged, shook his head, and said "Tambourines again."

Daiki decided then that he did not want to know. Thankfully, Takaki, Hikaru, and Yabu came in a second later, Takaki making exclamations and the sassiest hand gestures Daiki had seen since the older man learned the Z snap.

"You really don't think I could get anyone I wanted? I'm called JUMP's ladies man for a reason, you know."

"That doesn't mean the ladies want to date you." Hikaru shot back, eyebrows raised.

"Yeah, I am the one that got ranked first in that dating poll." Yamada pointed out helpfully. Takaki didn't seem bothered.

"That's just because you can play a sexy instrument." He said, waving his hand dismissively and taking a seat on the couch, disturbing Yuto's solo jam session. Yamada blinked.

"What's going on?" Daiki asked, unsure of whether or not he wanted to know this either.

"Takaki thinks he could date anyone he wants, and we disagree." Yabu answered. Daiki snorted.

"You doubt me?" Takaki asked, indignant. "I've even seduced Fujigaya!"

"Takaki, everyone has seduced Fujigaya. It isn't that difficult." Chinen remarked, raising an eyebrow. "He'd started pouncing on the juniors, so Shintaro decided to call Johnny. If he doesn't stay within his age group he'll be threatened with castration."

"You're castrating someone?" Yuto, who had just now pulled out his ear buds, was understandably and hopelessly confused. "Who?"

Daiki rubbed his forehead.

"You may have kissed all of us that one time you mistook wine for grape juice, but you could not get a single one of the JUMP members to go out with you." Yabu declared.

"Want to bet?" Takaki asked, raising his eyebrows. This was bad. This was bad. This was very, very--

"Yes." Hikaru said firmly. "If you can get someone in JUMP to agree to going on a date with you, then you win."

"Easy." Takaki said. "What's my prize?"

"Bragging rights, a kiss from Chinen--"

"Hey!" Chinen protested.

"--and you can complain as much as you want for a week and a half without any of us putting ice cubes in your underwear."

Takaki sat for a moment, thinking it over. Bragging rights were more powerful than money in the Jimusho, and it would be nice to get through a week of rehearsal without nearly getting his dick frozen off. But there had to be a catch.

"What happens if, by some amazing, completely improbable happenstance, I lose?"

"You have to get your entire wardrobe redone by Kanjani8, and you can't return or exchange any of the clothes." Hikaru answered without skipping a beat. Takaki opened and closed his mouth.

"Those are completely unfair terms!" He protested. "Have you seen Yasuda's clothes? Ever?"

"If you're such a ladies’ man, what are you afraid of?" Yabu asked back.

Takaki licked his lips. "...fine."

If Daiki wasn't mistaken, he could feel the beginnings of a headache.

"What JUMP member is he going to ask out?" Chinen asked. "He can't touch Ryu-chan, Dreams Come True was Hikaru and Yabu's two year anniversary, Daiki and Yamada are so obliviously in love that I want to smack their heads together--"

"What?" Both Yamada and Daiki said at the same time, spluttering out denials. That was ridiculous. Completely and utterly nonsensical. There was no way Daiki liked Yamada. Of course Daiki didn't like Yamada, or Yamada's muscular arms, or his lips, or his face, or his smile. There was no way Daiki was completely enamored by how diligent and talented Yamada was, or how beautiful he always managed to look, whether he was primped for a music video or sweaty and exhausted after rehearsal. Daiki wasn't fascinated by how Yamada was so serious and so good at his job and yet so goofy sometimes that he could keep Daiki laughing for hours. Daiki didn't like Yamada at all. Of course not.

Chinen ignored both of them.

"--and Yuto heard the whole conversation, so he knows the plan."

"The only ones left are Inoo and Keito." Yabu said with a nod.

"It can't be Inoo." Yamada declared. "If you so much as stare at him for long enough, he'll blush."

The group nodded in agreement.

"Keito then?" Takaki asked.

"If it's Keito, could I join in too?" Chinen asked. "He gets embarrassed so easily, it could be fun."

"It does kind of sound fun." Yamada admitted. Daiki gave him a surprised look, though he wasn't sure why he was so shocked. Turning Keito into a flustered, pink, apologizing mess was one of Yamada's favorite pastimes.

"Why don't we all do it?" Yabu proposed. "We'll think of a different prize for each winner."

There were sounds of agreement, Daiki finally able to get a full grip on the situation.

"We're going to try and trick Keito into dating one of us?" He asked. "For a bet?"

"Yup!" Chinen said, much too happily. Daiki swore his headache was turning into a migraine.

When Keito walked into the practice room later that day, unable to be on time thanks to his college classes, he couldn't help but feel like a piece of meat instead of a person with the way everyone's eyes landed on him. But he had a dream the night before in which he was the saxophone playing koala from Yamada's 2013 birthday cake, and figured the feeling was the after effects of everyone in dreamland trying to chase him, so he just shrugged it off.

At least, he tried to. When half of rehearsal had gone by and people were still glancing at him every chance they got, Keito decided to ask someone about it during their break. Unfortunately, he asked Takaki, who was closest.

"Is there something on my face?" He was positive there wasn't, judging by his reflection in the mirrored wall that had been facing them during the entire dance rehearsal, but it wouldn't hurt to ask.

"On that beautiful, beautiful face?" Takaki extended a hand, stroking Keito's cheek lightly. "Of course not."

Yamada snorted in poorly concealed laughter behind them, and Keito had to ask,

"Is something weird going on?"

"The only thing weird is Takaki." Yuto answered. "You're fine Keito, it's nothing."

Keito gave his friend a grateful look. Maybe Takaki was just being strange.

That theory was extended to everyone when rehearsal was ended that day and nobody went home, just bidding Keito a goodnight and standing around. Keito would have worried about it but he had schoolwork to do, so he didn't ask many questions, saying he would see them the day after tomorrow--tomorrow itself was an off day--and after asking Yuto to text him, headed home.

As soon as Keito left, the rest of JUMP filled Inoo in on the Keito Competition, as it was now called. The pianist wanted in on it immediately.

"This isn't a fair." Takaki declared. "There are biases involved."

"Like what?"

"Well, Yuto has known Keito since the dawn of the dinosaurs, and I couldn't even tell you what his favorite color is."

"You don't know what Keito's favorite color is?" Chinen asked, clicking his tongue. "That's not being unfair, that's just you being a bad friend."

"Hey!" Takaki protested. "I'm serious though. Yuto has a lifetime of being his best friend, and Hikaru has really sexy hands, but what do Inoo and Chinen have?"

"I'm cute!" Inoo protested.

"I do see what you mean, though," Yabu said, who had taken one of Hikaru's hands in both of his own, examining it closely with Yuto. "We could make a list of things Keito likes, and everyone could have it as a reference."

That sounded like a fair plan. Everyone pitched in, and before long they had begun a list something like this:

1\. Guitar

2\. Skinship

3\. Dogs

4\. Face plants

"Just because face plants happen a lot... I don't think he's actually very fond of them." Daiki pointed out. Yabu crossed it off the list.

<strike>4\. Face plants</strike>

5\. Yuto

6\. Anything to do with England

7\. Chivalry

8\. Black and white clothing

9\. Shakespeare

10\. Subtle compliments

11\. Rain (but not thunderstorms)

12\. Piano chord progressions in G

The last three were added by Yuto, who was immediately declared to know way too much about their band mate.

"Hold on... Does Keito even like men?" Chinen asked after a moment. The question made all of them pause. It was something they had never considered. It didn't make sense that a perfectly straight male would even look at half of the outfits that Johnny had made them wear before, but on the other hand, it wasn't a possibility they could rule out.

"Is he straight, Yuto?" Yamada asked.

"How would I know?" Yuto asked back.

"You know what his favorite piano chord progression is. You can't possibly not know his sexual orientation." Hikaru insisted. Yuto, however, shook his head.

"It's never really come up in conversation."

The last item on the list ended up being "13. Women (?)" with Chinen, Inoo, and Yabu decided to be the female test subjects.

"How long do we have to do this?" Inoo asked. That was a good question. They did have work they were actually supposed to do, after all.

"About a week." Hikaru decreed. "We can't spend too much time proving Takaki wrong."

"I just don't need much time proving myself right." Takaki responded cheekily.

"Whatever." Yabu said, standing. "Let's all go out tomorrow and get anything we might need for this fiasco. Like the girl clothes, and stuff."

Everyone agreed to that idea, saying farewells and filing out.

"Isn't this getting a little out of hand?" Daiki asked Yamada as they exited the building. The idea itself was strange enough, but now they were constructing strategies and spending money on the weird contest.

"Of course it is." Yamada agreed, hooking his elbow around Daiki's arm. "Doesn't that make it more fun?"

Maybe it did.

"Wake up beautiful. We're going shopping for high heels and samurai swords."

Yabu groaned, rolling and extending an arm across the bed sheets to where his boyfriend was supposed to be. When he found the space empty, he cracked an eye open.

Hikaru was standing over him, smiling, fully dressed and ready to go.

"This was your idea." He reminded Yabu, who put his pants on backwards three times before Hikaru laughed and helped him.

"Why are we buying samurai swords?" Yabu asked, still yawning as he was pushed on to the train.

"We're not; Yamada is." Hikaru answered. "You know how Keito likes chivalry and all that, right? Yamada decided to go full samurai on this bitch."

Yabu snorted in laughter, and soon enough they were at the store. They were the last ones there due to Yabu's sleeping in, and when they arrived Inoo walked up to them, a few wigs in hand.

"Blonde, brunette, or black?" He asked, holding up the wads of fake hair.

"...brunette." Yabu finally answered, getting a rather luscious brown wig thrown at him. He caught the thing, asking

"Where is everyone?"

"Chinen and Takaki are looking at dresses, and I thought Yamada and Daiki were hooking up in a closet somewhere because we haven't seen them since they got here, but then I realized Yuto went with them, so..." Inoo shrugged. "That's probably not what they're doing. Probably."

They all paused for a second, then simultaneously shook the notion off.

"Let's go look at some dresses." Hikaru declared, putting a hand on Yabu's shoulder. "This man needs a skirt."

When they reached Takaki and Chinen, the younger man was holding the poofiest, most offensively pink and glittery Disney-style princess dress Hikaru had ever seen.

"It's perfect." Takaki declared, sounding nearly tearful.

"I don't have to wear that, do I?" Yabu asked. He did still have a few scraps of masculine pride left. They were hard to hold on to, being a Johnny's boy and all, but he had fought long and hard for them, and wasn't about to give them up to a pink abomination of sparkly, bejeweled fabric.

"No, it's for me." Chinen answered. "I've come up with a plan for how each of us is going to dress. We don't know what kind of girl Keito is into, if he's into girls at all, so we're going to try three different styles. The cutesy, bows and lace, extremely adorable one is obviously going to be me," he said, placing a hand on his chest. "Inoo is going to dress up in a sexy red kimono and he'll be more of a traditional beauty. Now, Yabu, there isn't much we can do with your painfully flat figure."

That made Yabu give Chinen a look.

"You really don't have any curves at all." Inoo agreed, looking at the older man skeptically.

"But you do have nice legs." Chinen picked his explanation back up. "So, after you shave, you're going to be put in a nice button-up blouse and pencil skirt for the 'commandeering businesswoman' look."

Yabu felt like he was being set up for failure. "A commandeering businesswoman?" He asked. "Do you really think Keito would like that?"

Chinen shrugged. "Maybe. In all honesty, my money is on Inoo, but who knows. Maybe he has a masochistic humiliation kink, or something."

"Hey! Say! 7 haven't discussed sexuality or kinks? What do you guys even talk about?" Inoo asked.

"We talk about how weird it is that you guys talk about that sort of stuff. I'm going to try this on; you guys pick out something for Yabu to wear."

Chinen flounced off, and Takaki began picking through the woman's clothing racks again, Inoo and Yabu soon joining him. Hikaru was rooted to the spot, unable to believe that the words "masochistic humiliation kink" had just come out of their youngest member's mouth in the middle of the supermarket in broad daylight. He was knocked from his horrific trance by Yamada, Daiki, and Yuto, the three chasing each other around, Yuto laughing and Daiki trying not to shout too loudly, for the sake of the eardrums of the general public.

They ran around in circles around Hikaru three times before Yamada made an abrupt turn, ducking under the dress racks and disappearing. Hikaru barely had time to catch sight of the huge, red sparkly bow in Yamada's hair before he went out of sight.

"What...?"

Yamada ran back around and hid behind Takaki, who had apparently been declared the base, saying "I win!"

Both Yuto and Daiki let out curses, Yuto whining "But I never got a turn!"

"Explanation. Please." Inoo insisted.

"We were just playing capture the hair bow." Yamada said innocently, hopping up on Takaki's back. The older man was so unfazed by surprise piggy back rides at this point that he barely even noticed.

"Wait a minute." Hikaru pointed to the three of them. "You mean to tell me that Yuto and the two dwarves were playing a chase type game, and Yuto never got a turn?"

"Dwarf, huh?" Daiki put his hands on his hips, raising his chin to meet Hikaru's eyes. "Say that again and see what happens."

The fact that Hikaru was nearly nine centimeters taller than Daiki completely invalidated the threat, Takaki snorting back poorly concealed laughter. The older man might have been smote on the spot if he didn't have the object of Daiki's affections--but not really his affections, Daiki _didn't _like Yamada, remember?--perched between his shoulder blades.

"We're all over twenty, not five, alright guys?" Yabu chastised. "C'mon. Professionalism."

"Hey, Yabu?" Inoo said. "The pot called. It said you were black."

The two 7 members present were giving Yabu unamused looks, and Takaki was just standing there, confused.

"We're all over twenty, not five...? If we're over twenty, we have to be over five."

"Someone please just buy my boyfriend a skirt." Hikaru said with a sigh. And they did, even picking out a blouse and rather intelligent pair of fake spectacles by the time Chinen had returned. Yamada got an outfit consisting entirely of black clothing (except for the bow), with a black face mask to match. The supermarket was fresh out of swords however, so Yamada had to settle for the rather less threatening household mop. After Daiki picked out something horrifyingly ruffly, and they declared the shopping trip both complete and successful.

"You guys aren't getting anything?" Yabu asked Takaki and Yuto, who were both empty handed.

"Of course not." Takaki said simply. "I am going to win him over with my charm alone."

Yabu completely ignored Takaki's confidence, turning to Yuto for his answer. Yuto, however, just shrugged. That was odd. Usually when JUMP did anything together, Yuto took the idea with both hands and the level of excitement reserved for five year olds in a candy store. Yabu decided not to worry too much about it though. Yuto was probably worn out from chasing Yamada and Daiki around or just bored because the shenanigans hadn't started yet. Lucky for him they were starting on Monday, with Yabu himself.


	2. Chapter 2

Keito didn't expect anything out of the ordinary to happen on Monday. He walked into Business and Management class as usual, went to his normal seat, and wasn't even surprised when his teacher announced that they had a guest speaker coming in to give a lecture. However, _who _walked in the classroom to be their guest speaker was quite a shock. Somehow, for some reason, it was Yabu.

They didn't look like Yabu, mainly because they were trying their hardest to look like a she, with long straight brown hair, on point eyeliner, a silky blue blouse, pencil skirt, and high heels. "Her" high pitched voice seemed a bit more like Yabu than her appearance, but her mannerisms and the way her voice would occasionally dip in pitch, just to be covered up by a cough, confirmed Keito's suspicions. It was definitely his friend and band mate.

Why had Yabu come to his Business and Management class in _drag _to give a lecture?

Once Keito got past the fact that his question was not going to be answered--mainly because he didn't want to ask--he began listening and taking notes. The lecture was about surviving in show biz, and Keito was surprised by the amount of new, helpful information he was writing down. He was the only one writing anything though; the rest of the class just sat there, uninterested or slightly confused.

"Okamoto-kun!" Yabu's shrill voice rang through the lecture hall, making Keito jump. "What are the two best things to do when the camera is on you for an extended period of time and you're not singing?"

"Um..." Keito thought for a moment. "A wink or a lip bite, depending on the mood of the song."

"Correct!"

"Excuse me..." The teacher spoke up. "This is a business and management class, I'm not so sure that--"

"Business and management!" Yabu exclaimed, slapping an open hand on the podium. "I was getting to that."

And then he did get to that, spewing out facts and concepts that Keito thought he had to have memorized, because there was no way he could know all of this stuff off the top of his head; on the other hand, the lecture didn't sound memorized at all. Keito was amazed.

"Okamoto-kun!"

Keito's head snapped up from his notes.

"What does the business acronym IPO stand for, and what does it mean?"

Keito had to think for a moment.

"Initial Public Offering, meaning the initial sale of privately owned equity in a company to the public or other investing institutions."

Yabu seemed surprised. "Good."

Keito slouched in relief, Yabu beginning his lecture again. Not too long afterwards, however, Yabu called Keito's name again, asking another question.

"Douglas McGregor defined two main styles of management. What did he call each one and how are the styles typified?"

Couldn't he call on someone else?

X-Theory and Y-Theory." Keito answered. "X-Theory is authoritarian, autocratic, and repressive, and Y-Theory is participative, delegating, and developmental."

"Good." Yabu sounded almost frustrated that Keito had answered correctly. "Very, very good."

He didn't call on anyone else, and when the class was over he asked Keito to come down to the front, talking to him quietly.

"Now, Okamoto, I can tell you are a bright student but I still think it would be beneficial for you to stop by my office now for a _private _tutoring session."

"Yabu."

Yabu gave Keito a surprised look.

"Yeah, I knew it was you. I'm touched that you would go this far to make sure that I'm doing alright in school, but really, it's okay. I'm okay, everything is okay."

Patting Yabu on the shoulder, Keito gave him a smile and headed to his next class.

"How did it go?" Chinen asked excitedly. Hikaru shook his head in warning but it was too late, Yabu letting out a shout of frustration.

"It was humiliating!" He exclaimed, yanking his wig off. Nothing had gone according to plan. Keito wasn't supposed to know the answers to his ridiculously hard and out of the blue business questions. He was supposed to be baffled, stumped, so that the offer of a private tutor wouldn't be strange. Then, in the middle of their one-on-one lesson, Yabu was supposed to make his move. Instead, Keito was smart, and had recognized him. "I was standing there in four inch heels, saying things he already knew. It was stupid."

"Did you find out whether or not he likes girls, though? That was the important part." Inoo prodded. He really wasn't excited about his cross -dressing assignment, and wanted to know if there was a way out.

"No." Yabu said, suddenly very interested in the wig in his hands. "He, uh... He knew it was me."

That had the entire group rolling on the floor in laughter, Yabu scowling and combing his fingers through the mat of fake hair he was holding.

"Screw all of you guys. I can't believe I shaved my legs for this."

"Your legs do look rather nice in those heels, if that makes you feel any better." Daiki offered.

Yabu decided that yes, it did make him feel better, deciding to keep his high heels on for all of rehearsal. Keito seemed surprised that Yabu still had the shoes on when he showed up, but didn't question it.

"How did you do that?" Yuto asked, incredulous. The sun had set a few hours ago, dance practice was now over, and Yabu was still standing tall, towering three to twenty-two centimeters over everyone else. "Don't your feet hurt?"

"He's either a hooker or Beyoncé." Takaki declared. "Beyoncé is abnormally good at doing everything in heels."

"Hey Keito, do you have much homework tonight?" Hikaru asked. Keito shook his head.

"We had a guest speaker take up my whole business class," the entire room giggled, "and I had a test in English."

"Oh good. Could you help me with something then?"

Keito nodded, happy to help. It was Hikaru's turn, and he was using the one thing they had the most in common--guitar--to get him alone.

Once the room emptied, the two men got their instruments out. Hikaru purposefully messed up over and over, Keito being extremely patient with him like usual. After about twenty minutes, Hikaru decided to make a move.

"Keito! Have you been working out? Your arms look really nice."

"Thank you." Keito said with a smile. He was about to point to something in the music, ready to move past the compliment, when Hikaru spoke again.

"Actually..." Hikaru gave Keito's body the gaudiest, most obvious up-and-down looking that he had ever given in his life. He had rehearsed this. "Your everything looks nice."

Keito was quickly turning a painful shade of red.

"I... I-I..."

Hikaru placed a hand on Keito's thigh, the physical contact making the younger man jump. "What about me?" He asked. "Do I look nice?"

It took Keito a few moments to find his tongue.

"You are definitely very handsome, but--"

"I'm glad we're on the same page then."

"Hikaru, I don't think--"

Hikaru moved his hand a little further up Keito's leg. "Your place or mine?"

The blunt question made Keito's eyes grow the size of saucers, and he jumped to his feet.

"What about Yabu?" He asked, and Hikaru was honestly dumbfounded. He never, in a million years, would have guessed that Keito was like _that_. He wasn't planning on doing anything at all with Keito once they had left the Jimusho except declare himself victorious and buy his friend some food for his troubles, so there was no harm in asking his boyfriend to play along.

"I didn't think you were into that, but I could call Kota if you want. I wouldn't mind."

"I'm sorry Hikaru, but this is wrong!" Keito exclaimed, voice panicky, and he ran from the room. Hikaru knew at that exact moment that he would get an earful from Yuto the next day, his suspicion confirmed when, after everyone in the contest had arrived early at the Jimusho upon Yuto's request, the drummer cleared his throat and asked for their attention.

"Thanks to what Hikaru did yesterday, I had to comfort a nearly hyperventilating Keito for almost half an hour, and while doing so I came up with a few ground rules." He began. "One: no touching him unless the contact is consensual and invited."

Every single pair of eyes landed on Hikaru, accusatory and shocked.

"Oh my god, what did you do?" Daiki asked incredulously.

"Nothing!" Hikaru said back. "Just... Touched his leg and told him he looked nice."

Nobody believed him, but the topic was dropped as Yuto started up again. "Two: he has to know that you're asking him on a date. A date was the agreement, not an invitation to go off somewhere and have weird sex."

"Okay seriously Hikaru, what the hell did you do to Keito?"

"Wait a second." Before Hikaru could defend himself, Takaki had a question. "If we do end up having completely consensual, _invited _weird sex, does that count as a date?"

Yuto thought long and hard for a few moments. "God forbid, but yes, I guess it does."

"Are we done?" Yamada asked. "I have to go hide in the ceiling."

The young man had on a completely black cloth body suit, a mask covering everything on his head except for his eyes, the mop strapped to his back. They let him go, and once Keito arrived dance practice began without Yamada. After about an hour, there was a loud crashing noise from above them all, and a few moments later Yamada fell into the room, letting out a shout as he did so. Granted, the fall was as graceful as it could have been, but it was a fall from the ceiling nonetheless.

"Yamada, are you alright?" Keito asked. Yamada had jumped into a corner of the room, pressed against the wall. The rest of JUMP simply pretended they didn't know he was there, and continued to rehearse. Worried about his band mate but not wanting to miss anything, Keito carried on dancing as well, sending concerned glances over at Yamada every once and a while. But Yamada didn't do much, skirting back and forth in the shadows and hiding behind the door. JUMP filed out rather quickly once practice was over, a few of them giggling excitedly, and Keito found himself alone in the practice room with Yamada.

"I'm sorry but... What are you doing?" Keito decided to ask. Yamada didn't reply, slowly removing the cloth around his head, revealing that his hair was up in a topknot. Keito put the hairstyle and mop on his back together, realizing that this was some kind of rather terrible ninja-samurai cosplay.

"Yamada--"

"For years, the ancient Yamada clan has upheld the seven virtues of the samurai: rectitude, courage, benevolence, respect, honesty, honor, and loyalty."

Keito had no idea what Yamada was talking about. Partially because really, not much of it made sense or was relevant. Mostly because Yamada was speaking ancient Japanese in a deep, gravelly voice that Keito couldn't translate.

"I can't understand you." Keito decided to say, wanting to go home but not wanting to leave Yamada in such a state by himself.

"This practice and diligence has been upheld by brutal training, faultless intelligence, and careful selection of partners."

Keito suddenly got very wary of where this was going. He wasn't worried though; Yamada looked exhausted, and was holding a mop. Nothing bad was probably going to even be able to occur.

"Hey, Yama-chan, let's just--"

Yamada suddenly stepped very, very close to Keito, only the width of the mop's handle in the space between them. Keito stopped, blinked, swallowed, and wondered what on earth was about to happen.

When Yamada spoke, it was very slowly and deliberately, in the same deep and gravelly voice.

"Okamoto... Would you like to bear my children?"

Keito tried hard not to laugh. He really, really did, clamping a hand over his mouth and taking a step back. He even managed to suppress most of the noise, laughter shaking his shoulders and making him hunch over. When he regained his composure he straightened, placing a hand on Yamada's shoulder.

"Yamada..." He said as gently as possible. "That's a biological impossibility." Then he used his grip on Yamada's shoulder to steer his band mate to the front office in the Jimusho to sign up for a few therapy sessions, because obviously Johnny was working this poor man way too hard.

Yamada was back to normal the next day, much to Keito's relief. Many of his band mates had been acting weird, weirder than the usual weird, and Keito supposed that was why they ended practice early that day, leaving in pairs and small groups. Yuto and Keito left together, Yuto looping his arm around Keito's shoulders as they walked. They settled into a calm, comfortable silence, making quiet observations to one another.

"Hey... Is she waving at you?" Yuto asked, pointing. Across the street was what looked like a girl in an extravagant dress. She was, in fact, waving and pointing in Keito's direction.

"Should I go over there?" Keito asked. Yuto shrugged.

"If you want." He answered, and Keito decided to go for it, jogging across the street with Yuto trailing behind.

"Can you help me? My pet bunny is stuck in a tree!" The girl said, voice strained and high with worry. She had long black hair that fell all the way down to her hips, and her outfit was startling--pink and poofy and sparkly just about everywhere. There was something familiar about her face underneath all of the blush and eye shadow, but Keito couldn't quite place what it was. The huge bow in her hair drooped as she looked into the tree, pointing.

"See? My bunny! And there's a cat up there that is going to eat it!"

As if on cue, something said "Mrow!" The bunny, in actuality, was a white dog stuffed animal, and the cat was Ryutaro hiding in the foliage and meowing every once in a while, but Keito didn't know that. Chinen's plan was this: get Keito to rescue his bunny, then ask him on a date to a bakery as a thank you. With less emphasis on the "date" part and more on the "gratitude and cake", Chinen was sure that he would win.

"I'm afraid I can't help you." Keito answered, much to Chinen's surprise. Not quite ready to give up, Chinen decided to improvise, pouting.

"Why?"

"I'm not allowed to climb things higher than myself without a harness." Keito answered sheepishly. Due to the insurmountable evidence showing that if he got up high he would somehow injure himself, Johnny had modified his contract with the agency, and Keito wasn't quite feeling up to getting in a lawsuit over a tree-climbing bunny. He still wanted to help though, pulling out his cell phone.

"I'll call my friend Chinen. He's great at climbing stuff--I'm sure he'll get your bunny down right away."

Keito didn't notice Chinen's look of panic or Yuto's suppressed giggling as he typed in Chinen's number. When his phone began to dial, a familiar ringtone began to play. It didn't take long to discover that it was coming from the bunny girl's purse.

_Shit. _Deciding that the only thing he could do was play it off, Chinen giggled, rifling through the handbag and saying with constructed embarrassment,

"I found this cell phone when I was out walking my rabbit, I don't know who it belongs to..."

"It's my friend Chinen's. Here," Keito held his hand out, "I'll return it."

The second the phone had been passed from his hands, Chinen remembered that his wallpaper was a rather risqué photo of himself and Ryutaro, and all thoughts of being a cutesy, bunny-owning teenage girl fled his mind.

"Give. The phone. Back."

The twist in the girl's personality was just as terrifying as the fact that Keito was now finding himself in the middle of some weird, indirect robbery.

"No, it belongs to my friend Chinen, I--"

"I am Chinen!" Chinen shouted, reaching up and ripping his wig off. Keito simply stood there for a few moments, stunned into silence. Yuto was rolling on the ground behind them, crying in laughter, and Chinen took advantage of the moment, grabbing his cell phone from Keito's hands and stomping off.

"Yuri, wait!" Ryutaro shouted, hopping out of the tree and startling Keito even more. He had a small white thing in his hands, dashing after his boyfriend. Keito decided, as with most things that had occurred this week, just not to ponder it too much.

"This was stupid." Chinen was fuming when Ryutaro caught up with him. "Stupid. I've never had anyone in my life laugh at me like that unless I wanted them to."

"Um, Chinen..." Ryutaro wasn't sure of the best way to let his boyfriend know that he was stomping around a neighborhood in brought daylight in the most eye-catching attire possible. He could already see the headlines: 'Ex-Hey! Say! JUMP Member Morimoto Ryutaro Dating A Pissed-Off, Girly Cross Dresser'.

"What?" Chinen asked, whirling on him. Ryutaro decided that any type of suggestion would be a bad idea, saying instead,

"For what it's worth, I think you look beautiful."

"Oh, shove it up your ass." Chinen grumbled, storming away.


	3. Chapter 3

Keito wasn't even fazed when he showed up to the Jimusho and everyone he saw had a fake beard on. Literally everyone, from Matchy to the seven year old juniors, was sporting artificial facial hair, whether it be short and bushy, long and wispy, or somewhere in between. Sometimes these things just happened, like the time everyone talked in limericks all day for no apparent reason. By the next day, the beard craze would be over. When he walked into JUMP's room he expected to be handed a beard by someone that knew he hadn't gotten the memo, but instead they all just acted like he had one on already, which he felt was a much better alternative. He wasn't interested in having fake brown hair stuck to his chin all day.

"He looks like Jesus." Yabu said, Keito looking at his friend and then tracing his gaze, seeing that it landed on Hikaru, who was talking and laughing with Daiki. "A Jesus I would fuck."

"Yabu... That's not what Jesus is for." Keito said. Yabu didn't heed him, and at the sound of his voice Daiki's head whipped in their direction, beard flowing magnificently like a shampoo commercial.

"Oh, Keito!"

His voice sounded almost as weird as his clothes looked. Everyone else was dressed in their street clothes, or loose, comfortable clothes for dance practice, but Daiki had on blue tights, darker colored ballet-looking shoes, and a thick blue and purple tunic that was way too ruffly for its own good. In all honestly, he looked like he had popped out of a bad Shakespearian play.

"To quote Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet Act two scene two line two, 'But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?'"

"...what?" Keito asked.

"My love, you have, arrived, at work, today."

The fact that Daiki was quoting the 1600's was weird enough, but the obviously stressed syllables in his speech made Keito narrow his eyebrows.

"Daiki, are you speaking in iambic pentameter?"

"To quote Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet Act two scene two line twenty-five, 'Ay, me!'"

"You're being weird." Keito told him, and Daiki bounded over, dropping on one knee in front of Keito before he could run away.

"Oh love-ly dar-ling please, spare me, your time."

"Please stop talking like that."

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"

Keito wasn't sure what was worse, the bad Shakespeare references or the fake beards. "Daiki, you know that people did shave in the 17th century, right?

"Oh, thank god." Inoo said, yanking his beard off his face. It took Keito a moment to connect the pieces.

"Daiki, did you orchestrate this?"

"For you, my love, I would, do a-nything."

Keito wasn't sure why Daiki thought he would want everyone at work to wear beards. Sure, he did like Shakespeare, and the whole thing was kind of amusing, proving that it was a blessing that Yamapi couldn't grow facial hair, but still.

"Keito..." Daiki speaking brought Keito's attention to him again. "To quote Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet Act two scene two line 90, 'Dost thou love me?'"

"Um..." Was he supposed to take Daiki seriously? "To quote Shakespeare’s Hamlet Act three scene three line ninety-two, 'no.'"

"Hamlet, Act one scene five line one-hundred and five: 'yes, by heaven!'" came a shout from behind them, Keito looking over with enough time to see Yamada ripping his beard off his face and running towards them. Daiki stood and Yamada leapt into his arms, wrapping his legs around Daiki's torso and holding his face with both hands, kissing him.

Keito took a few steps back, not wanting to be too close to the couple. Yuto gave him a pat on the shoulder.

"Well, that was weird." Takaki remarked after a few minutes had passed and the two were still wrapped up in each other. Hikaru walked over, putting hands on shoulders.

"Alright Romeo One and Two, let's break it up."

"Oh my, god I, think I'm, in love, with you." Was the first thing out of Daiki's mouth as soon as Yamada's feet were on the ground. It would have been sweet and romantic, but the forced iambic pentameter made it sound stupid.

"Would you quit that?" Inoo snapped at him. "He's been talking like this for a few days, for practice." He added to Keito.

"But once, you start, it is, quite hard, to stop!" Daiki exclaimed back, sounding quite horrified and frustrated with himself.

It was Inoo's turn, mainly because Takaki had refused to go next, claiming he was not yet ready, and no one was sure if Yuto was actually participating. He was disappointed that the other two female test subjects hadn't managed to figure out Keito's sexuality, because he had an awesome tap routine with two pet dogs that he was sure would win Keito over, but instead he had to shave his legs and put on a scandalous red thing that looked more like a Halloween costume than a kimono. Once it had been confirmed by the rest of JUMP that his getup was enough to break hearts and take names, he headed out.

It was Yuto's idea to just go window shopping, but Keito brought his wallet with him just in case Yuto saw something he liked. They had just exited their third store in the mall, wanting to head to the food court when a lady ran up, grabbing Keito by the arm and running off.

"Excuse me, but--"

Keito was ignored as he was pulled into a photo booth. The lady beamed at him.

"Take a picture with me!"

She was pretty, Keito figured, as far as the female population went. She had long, curly black pigtails that were tied with bows and something that might have been a Halloween costume on--black and pink silk with flowers, folded like a kimono but only going down to her mid-thighs with a huge, frilly bow in the front. Keito thought he might have seen her somewhere before. Was she in a girl group, or something? One of the two million three hundred twenty-seven thousand sixty-eight girls under the AKB label? Was she a Hey! Say! JUMP fan?

"I don't think--"

"Come on!" She pouted charmingly, pressing her chest to Keito's upper arm, the one she still had a grip on. Keito gulped. "Please?"

"...okay." Afraid of what she could do if he refused, he complied and she beamed, pushing buttons on the photo machine in front of them. Keito desperately hoped Yuto would find him.

"Say cheese!" The girl said, and Keito gave the camera a hesitant smile. As soon as the camera flashed, the entire booth shook, the girl giving a loud shout of surprise.

"What--?" Keito pulled back the curtain on his side of the photo booth, met with a blank, metal wall. The girl did the same, the same thing on her side. They were trapped in something, somehow.

"What the hell is happening?" She asked. Her voice wasn't feminine anymore, more masculine and completely recognizable. Keito could barely believe it. Out of all the extremely strange things that had happened this week, this one definitely took the cake.

"...Inoo?" He asked.

"Keito, what's going on?" Inoo demanded to know. He looked so incredibly feminine in his costume and his makeup and what Keito had to assume was a wig--though it was a good style for Inoo, he had to admit--that he did a double take. Then a triple. By the time he got to his quadruple take, Inoo had a hand on his hip and was giving him an unamused expression.

"Seriously? It's just me in drag."

"B-but--"

"What, are you straight or something?"

Keito floundered for a second, Inoo waiting patiently. If he didn't find out now, the answer may never be revealed.

Unfortunately, what Keito finally said was "It's just that you look so--"

"Alright, that's nice." If Keito wasn't going to spill the secret of his sexuality, Inoo didn't have time to listen to him talking. "We are currently stuck somewhere, in something, and we need to find a way not to die."

"Do you really think we're going to die?" Keito asked, eyes wide.

"Well, either it's aliens, or..." They both listened intently for a few moments. The bumping, revving sound was recognizable, Keito declaring

"I think we're in a vehicle."

"We got kidnapped? In the food court? In a photo booth?"

Keito shrugged. Inoo sighed, sinking down to the floor, forgetting what he was wearing. Apparently, his female attire was completely authentic, all the way to his underwear. Keito decided to look somewhere else.

"I'm going to die." Inoo declared.

"What?" Keito asked. "Why?"

"Well, if you didn't recognize me, then there's no way whoever grabbed us did. Which means they recognized you. Which means some crazy fangirl didn't like you going on a date, and is taking us somewhere so she can lock you in a basement and dump my body into the ocean."

Keito wasn't sure how Inoo could gain that type of conclusion, but he couldn't really argue. He didn't exactly have any counter proof.

"Oh my god, I read a book like this once..." Inoo's face was full of terror. "Keito, you're going to get your foot chopped off with an axe."

Though the situation sounded vaguely familiar, Keito had to think for a long time before he could place it. "Wait, Inoo, when did you read any Steven King novels?"

Inoo got up on his knees, clasping one of Keito's hands in both of his own. "Keito, when I die... You can have my diploma."

Keito was about to protest, saying that him carrying a diploma in architecture might have terrible, terrible construction consequences in the future when they were both lurched forward. The vehicle they were in came to an abrupt stop, and they were silent, Inoo's grip on Keito's hands now much, much tighter.

"What's happening?" Inoo hissed, just as a loud noise made him gasp, light streaming in behind the curtain door of the photo booth. Keito didn't dare answer. Two heavy footsteps were made, and Keito was about to remark on how that didn't really sound anything like any kind of fangirl he had ever heard when a man burst in, running straight at him.

"What the--" Instead of Inoo getting snatched up and thrown into any river, like both of them had come to expect, the man put Keito into an arm lock, twisting his left arm behind his back and up, pushing painfully on his shoulder.

"Princess! You are safe!" A man with twelve too many piercings on his face and nine too many tattoos on his head walked through the curtain next, bowing to Inoo. Inoo turned to Keito, his facial expression an interesting mix of 'what the hell', 'oh my god', and 'this guy has seven nose rings, I think he wants to cook my spleen'. Due to his desire of keeping his shoulder intact, Keito just responded with an apologetic and insignificant one-shouldered shrug.

"I am safe!" Inoo responded, his female voice back in his throat, giving a reluctant jazz hands wave.

"I'm glad we have finally found you madam. If you could come this way, we have some things we need to talk about." He wasn't really asking consent, lunging forward to grab Inoo as he spoke, and Inoo ducked and swerved away from him.

"No thank you! I don't want to go anywhere with you!" His voice had risen about three more octaves, and it sounded like more of a fear-driven tone change than a gender-driven one. Thanks to the very small space a photo booth provided, Lip Ring Tattoo Face grabbed Inoo easily, taking his skinny arm in his hand and pulling him from the photo booth, Keito being pushed along behind.

There was a man kneeling on the floor behind the curtain, which was also the opening of the back of what Keito could now see was an armored truck, which the photo booth had been transported in. Inoo was made to step on the man's back--"We wouldn't want you to have to jump from the truck, princess"--and as they all made their way further into the warehouse, Inoo turned to Keito and whispered,

"This place is strangely familiar."

A few seconds later, he gasped.

"Dude, we totally filmed Ride With Me here. Remember when--"

Keito's expression shut Inoo up. Being kidnapped by Pointy Tongued Spleen Eater and his squad was not the time for reminiscing. A few moments later, Keito and Inoo had been tied to chairs with rope in knots that Keito sincerely believed didn't exist outside of bad action movies, and Lip Ring Tattoo Face began to talk.

"Now, Princess--" LRTF was speaking, and Keito could only assume Inoo was being addressed--he himself hadn't yet been given a glance by anyone except the man that had restrained him--"While your running from the country has been pardoned by your parents, it could not be ignored. We are here to bring you back."

"What's with the creepy warehouse pit stop then?"

Keito really wished he could tell Inoo that princesses didn't talk like that. Staying in character was their best bet at staying alive, and if Inoo didn't cross his legs soon, they could be in serious trouble.

"We need to make sure you won't... _Resist_ your marriage arrangements when you are made to return."

"Marriage?" Inoo shook his head quickly. "Slow down there, Jimbo. I am way too young to--"

"I know, you're not the fondest of the Prince of Shalridonica, but--"

Shalridonica? Where the hell was that? And what the hell country was Inoo supposed to be the princess of?

"But what? He's an asshole. One time, he put a ton of flour in my hair dryer, and--"

"That was Takaki, actually." Keito whispered to Inoo, who glared at him.

"Why we made this stop is... We need to know if this man--" LRTF pointed at Keito in an extremely dramatic fashion, and Keito had to close his eyes tightly to secure the safety of his eyeballs. "--is the man in your letter you left your parents."

"Like hell he is!" Inoo declared. Honestly, Keito couldn't tell if him now becoming a character was a good or bad thing. When LRTF was given a sword, the answer was made very, very clear.

"We cannot have any secret lovers standing in the way of your marriage, Princess. So, by order of your mother, we have been told to decapitate him in front of your eyes, and then smear his blood all over you."

"Oh my god." Inoo pulled a face. "My mother is a bitch!"

"WHO JUST BUMPED ME?!" A shrill voice rang through the warehouse. Chinen was standing in the doorway, bangs up in a tiny, erect, fluffy ponytail, eyes blazing. He pointed to Lip Ring Tattoo Face. "WAS IT YOU?"

Yamada and Daiki appeared to his left, Yamada sporting the most horrid middle part Keito had seen since Scrap Teacher, all three of them dressed in oversized school uniforms. Seriously, were they in a JUMP concert segment?

Then Daiki let out a battle cry, the three of them rushing to attack. Somehow, Yamada ended up in possession of LRTF's sword, and before long there was a pile of bodies from god-knows-what country lying on the floor.

"Oh my god, you're hot." Daiki told Yamada, who dropped the sword he was holding, mouth falling open.

"The iambic pentameter is gone!" he declared, jumping into Daiki's arms to attack his face. Keito had seen this exact scene once before--well, with considerably more fake beards and considerably less kidnapping--so it did not at all faze him, but he did wish someone would come untie his wrists so they could leave.

"Um, guys..."

"How did you find us?" Inoo asked, amazed.

"We just tracked Keito's phone." Chinen said with a shrug. "Well, that and you left a trail of sequins from your dress, which we followed in case we got lost."

With a scream, one of them men jumped from the unconscious heap, yelling something about backup.

"We should get out of here, before more come in." Keito suggested, his words completely unheeded as Hikaru and Yabu walked in. Or, one strutted, and the other teetered.

"What. The. Fuck." Inoo said, and Keito had to agree. They were in matching woman costumes, long brown wigs and white button up blouses, pencil skirts, a full face of makeup, and impossibly tall high heels.

"What?" Yabu asked back. "I thought the matching skirts would be cute!"

It wasn't. Hikaru had never looked good in drag.

"Come on Kota, you know I can't do crap in heels."

Hikaru proved himself wrong rather quickly, as immediately after his statement a fresh wave of tattooed and pierced men flooded through the doors, the fight starting up again. A roundhouse kick to the face proved the heels rather effective in combat, and before long Hikaru had one shoe in each hand, slashing and stabbing and poking out teeth. Yabu managed to keep his outfit immaculate aside from a splotch on his shirt he insisted was _someone else's_ blood, but when the fighting died down and the unconscious body pile had doubled, it was apparent that Hikaru did not have the same attention to detail. His blouse, while blood-free, was completely unbuttoned with nothing on underneath, his muscled chest heaving, both wig and lipstick askew.

Yabu had never been more turned on in his life, but now wasn't the time for that.

Hikaru threw a gun to Daiki, who caught it. "Watch the door." he said.

"You have a gun?!" Inoo shrieked. "What the--Where did that come from?"

"The Emergencies Supply Closet. It's that ominous door next to Johnny's office. It has every weapon one can think of, and what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles."

"I didn't think we could use that room." Yuto entered, and Keito had never been more relieved to see anyone in his entire life. Yuto met his eyes immediately, smiling and jogging over.

"Are you okay?" He asked quietly. Keito tried his hardest to lie.

"Yeah."

"We usually don't, but Shintaro has been put in charge of its security. Why else would a seventeen year old have so much muscle? Chinen got us special access."

"If we don't get out of here in five minutes, Keito is going to start hyperventilating." Yuto reported. He took a knife from his belt loop, beginning to saw through the ropes on Keito's wrists. "Come on."

Chinen got to work on Inoo's bonds, and as soon as the two of them were free, there was a tremendous yell from above.

"...God?"

It wasn't anyone quite that miraculous; a few minutes later the ceiling was burst through, a huge chunk of the plaster falling into the room, with Takaki surfing in on a roof tile. He was outfitted in full Yankumi garb, with the tracksuit and the fake glasses and everything except the black wig.

"You're late, idiot." Inoo deadpanned.

"Seriously?" Takaki whined, letting his head fall back. "But... I was going to take out some guys, and then this would be much more romantic."

"You're not telling me that you're... Right now?" Yabu could barely believe it, and Keito couldn't either, his eyes growing the size of saucers as Takaki unzipped his tracksuit jacket and let it slip down his shoulders, getting on one knee in front of Keito. Keito was almost afraid of what he was about to say.

"Okamoto Keito... You are nothing but God's handmade gift to this green Earth, and I would be nothing short of _honored _if you said yes to going on a date with me."

The silence following the proposal was deafening. Finally, Daiki wolf-whistled.

"Okay... That was good."

"I'm sorry Takaki, but... I like someone else." Keito said. As flattering as the offer of a date had been, he couldn't say yes.

"Who?" Takaki asked hopelessly. "The only other person in this group that hasn't tried getting in your pants is..."

Then, all at once, every pair of eyes landed on Yuto.

"Oh."

Before anything could be said about the revelation, an explosion rocked the building. Yabu did a quick head count.

"Where is Ryutaro?" He asked. "There are explosions happening and he has gone missing. Surely that isn't a coincidence."

"Oh, I told him to start blowing up the building." Takaki said. "That stuff we brought is pretty powerful."

"You told me that chemistry equipment was for chemistry, and not producing felonies!" Yabu exclaimed, sounding betrayed.

"Really Yabu? I would like to remind you that you have literally _cut _the underwear off a man."

"That was one time!" Hikaru shouted.

"Hey!" Inoo jumped up and down, getting the group's attention. "If the building is exploding, don't you think we should, I don't know, _get the hell out of here, maybe?_"

His suggestion was taken up immediately, Yuto grabbing Keito's hand as they made a run for it. And not a second too late--the force of the explosion behind them as soon as the roof of the warehouse was no longer over their heads was almost enough to blast Keito off his feet. A bit less broad and sturdy, Yuto was blown off balance, Keito holding him close to keep him standing. Yuto looked at him, bothering his bottom lip with his teeth for a second before speaking.

"Um, to avoid looking like a complete idiot when I kiss you in a second, the person that you like is me, right?"

Keito nodded, Yuto beaming and capturing his lips then and there, kissing him on front of a burning warehouse like the ending to a fucking action movie.

"This. Sucks." Takaki declared, walking into their practice room the next day. "Can I please just put on a pair of sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass? Because that would be more comfortable."

"Oh my god, you look like if Kyary Pamyu Pamyu and Lady Gaga had a terrifying, gay, monster-child." Inoo answered when the laughter finally died down. "I'm sort of digging it."

"No." Takaki said. "You don't understand. All I now own to put on my legs are rip-off pants."

Then he demonstrated, revealing a monkey-pineapple-maraca-printed speedo underneath. Hikaru beamed proudly.

"You are wearing that the next time we go to France." Chinen insisted.

Though the rules of the Keito Competition had been changed slightly, Takaki's punishment for losing remained the same, and Kanjani8 had been more than willing to pick out some new clothes for their vocalist. Takaki being originally from Osaka did not evoke their mercy in the slightest--if anything, the clothes they had picked were _more _outrageous, with the reasoning that he should be better able to understand.

"Thanks to a poorly written tweet, a whole bunch of people thought I died last night." Ryutaro said. "I mean, Keito almost did, but still."

"Yeah Keito, how are you holding up?" Daiki asked. "I mean, Inoo almost got a blood bath, but that blood would have been yours."

"I'm alright." Keito finally answered, smiling when he felt Yuto wrap his arms around his shoulders, leaning close to burrow his face in Keito's neck.

"No more of these things, alright?" Yamada asked. "It was fun while it lasted, but Johnny doesn't like people disturbing his ramen storage. Besides, the only person in JUMP Takaki has left to seduce is Inoo."

Takaki turned to Inoo, who pulled a face.

"Sorry. I don't want to date a man that has nothing but neon snapbacks, shirts with sewn on stuffed animals, and yank-off pants." Inoo declined.

"Hey, easy access." Yabu proposed.

"This isn't all I own." Takaki countered. "I have a complete Chippendale outfit, too."

Inoo eyed him up and down. "I might reconsider." He said, and the entire room cheered. Keito chuckling a little. While Hey! Say! JUMP may never reach a state of full normality, they were his group, and he wouldn't change that for the world.


End file.
